Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
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The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.