interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
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this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids: