I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
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I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.