dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
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12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.