@SvnSxty

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

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@OVO_Ty15

I wonder what my future wife is doing right now..
Hopefully modeling.

@wendchymes

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

@solsayswhaaa

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

@Mom_Overboard

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

@aveuaskew

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

@pro_worrier_

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

@eminmien

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

@iscoff

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months