Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
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My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.