Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

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All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies

Get their hands stuck


Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”


“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”


Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping


Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.


I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.


Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?


is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies