Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

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I wonder what my future wife is doing right now..
Hopefully modeling.


Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.


[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*


First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.


You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.


I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.


“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”


“I’ve got plenty of time.”


“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?


Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months