Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
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Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
The news is so predictable nowadays
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously