Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@CM2BTTHD

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

@lil_dead_girl_

I compulsively open my refrigerator in hopes that the portal to the other world has opened up.

It hasn’t so I had some cheese.

@JPHaddadio

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

@AndyAsAdjective

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

@Kyle_Lippert

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

@bingowings14

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

@OneFunnyMummy

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

@sarawrencomedy

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.