@mrjohndarby

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

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@TheFemKilljoy

The only time I hate being single is when I knock something over & catch it before it hits the ground but there’s no one around to see it.

@noog

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

@tsm560

Autocorrect changed impervious to I’m perviest and now I’m blocked.

@IntrepidDeviant

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

@LoveNLunchmeat

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

@DanMentos

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

@KyleMcDowell86

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

@DaddyJew

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.