interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
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[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism