INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
You Might Also Like
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!