Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
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Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Attacked by a mop.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.