interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
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SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.