[Gone for an hour]
Boss: Where have you been?
Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn’t find the beginning.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
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Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.