Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?