@WilliamAder

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

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@squirrel74wkgn

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

@Drytown1

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

@lisaxy424

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

@Skoog

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

@fuckthem00n

her: i like a man with ambitions

me: i am going to kill the moon

her: professional ambitions

me: i am going to kill the moon, for money

@GinAndJif

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

@UncleDuke1969

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

@Cpin42

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me