@squirrel74wkgn
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
@WilliamAder
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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@squirrel74wkgn
@Drytown1
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
@lisaxy424
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
@Kendragarden
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
@ThugRaccoons
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
@Skoog
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
@fuckthem00n
her: i like a man with ambitions
me: i am going to kill the moon
her: professional ambitions
me: i am going to kill the moon, for money
@GinAndJif
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
@UncleDuke1969
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
@Cpin42
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me