@TheToddWilliams [Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
@WilliamAder Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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@TheToddWilliams 
@junkyard_jake A gaggle of geese. A murder of crows. A nope of laundry.
@Ygrene Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
@ZachNoeTowers DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
@_youhadonejob Honest advertising.
@ThisOneSayz Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
@lawking30 She asked for my name, if I’m alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.
@ItsAndyRyan The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
@TheUnfitFather My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
@botandy Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’