@WilliamAder

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

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@TheToddWilliams

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

@Ygrene

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

@ZachNoeTowers

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

@ThisOneSayz

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

@lawking30

She asked for my name, if I’m alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.

@ItsAndyRyan

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

@TheUnfitFather

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

@botandy

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’