Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
You Might Also Like
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
“i am a sweet baby”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
WTF IS THAT!
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.