2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
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[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
You can’t prove that I’m not the center of the universe.
i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Daughter: Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story?
Me: Sure, once upon a time your mom & I used to get enough sleep. Then you came. The end.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!