Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

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2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.


[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt


Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect


I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.


i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo


Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.


I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.


Daughter: Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story?
Me: Sure, once upon a time your mom & I used to get enough sleep. Then you came. The end.


When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!