When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
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My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
PLOT TWIST:
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry