@BlindChow

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ???

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

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@serenehavoc

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

@dulcetry

Rapture’s tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus.

Two words: DUCK HUNT

@jeffswarens

By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I’m supposed to go volunteer to help with something

@BareChesty

You know your driving really sucks when your GPS says “After 300 yards, stop and let me out”

@lcwf70

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

@PickleRudd

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

@kelllicopter

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

@sophgaston

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

@Brampersandon_

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral