Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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Rapture’s tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus.
Two words: DUCK HUNT
By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I’m supposed to go volunteer to help with something
You know your driving really sucks when your GPS says “After 300 yards, stop and let me out”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
The news in a nutshell.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral