Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
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*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
In Canada they just call them geese
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke