INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.

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My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.


what do we want


when do we want them



got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions


I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.


Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?


ASTRONAUT: Houston, we have a problem.
HOUSTON: Oh, we’re fine down here, thanks for asking. Let’s make this all about you though, as usual.


The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.


*touches your nose*
*touches your mouth*
*touches your forehead*

Them: Why are you touching me?

Me: Gotta be a mute button somewhere


Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings


E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.