@Bexdora

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

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@LMLMadness

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

@specialhug

what do we want

LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES

when do we want them

NNNNEEOOOW

@ch000ch

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

@melibuff

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

@Matt_The_1st

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

@jwoodham

ASTRONAUT: Houston, we have a problem.
HOUSTON: Oh, we’re fine down here, thanks for asking. Let’s make this all about you though, as usual.

@TankCesar

The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.

@JKickinit30

*touches your nose*
*touches your mouth*
*touches your forehead*

Them: Why are you touching me?

Me: Gotta be a mute button somewhere

@dumbbeezie

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

@DanaJGould

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.