INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
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I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Goodnight 🐶
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*