INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
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How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.