Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
You Might Also Like
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I鈥檓 no longer allowed at the morgue
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Did my cat write this
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 馃檨
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren鈥檛 real
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Son: but I don鈥檛 like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Boss: It鈥檚 Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I鈥檓-
Boss: That鈥檚 why you鈥檙e working.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now