Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
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Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Velcrow
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.