Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
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“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!