I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
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All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
If my life is going to continually be this much of a disaster, I’m gonna need the Rock to make an appearance at some point.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
If you don’t know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can’t be friends.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic