@geowizzacist

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

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@joeljeffrey

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

@okimstillhungry

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

@Divergentmama

If my life is going to continually be this much of a disaster, I’m gonna need the Rock to make an appearance at some point.

@sock_holliday

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

@caraweinberger

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

@qwertygirl

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

@pushinghoops

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

@GeminiJew

If you don’t know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can’t be friends.

@AbbieEvansXO

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic