11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
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M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Ok but actually
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.