@WheelTod

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

- @WheelTod

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@FuckabillyRex

I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.

@xLiserx

Me: *Reenacts the steamy handprint scene from Titanic as I gaze at an eclair inside a glass case*
Clerk: You’re making people uncomfortable.

@fro_vo

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

@daddydoubts

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

@Kalamwali_Bai

Who decided to call it “Emotional Baggage” and not “Griefcase”?

@Browtweaten

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

@SocialustGal13

Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.