ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
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me: hear me out. 100 washers & 100 nuts, but only 99 bolts
ikea ceo: i freakin love it
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Lemme get this straight: you take my tonsils, I get free ice cream
what other parts of me will you take in exchange for ice cream
PRANK: ask someone what’s on their shirt and when they look down give them a perm
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.