@WheelTod

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

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@TheAndrewNadeau

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

@sonictyrant

me: hear me out. 100 washers & 100 nuts, but only 99 bolts

ikea ceo: i freakin love it

@TitansHomer

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

@boring_as_heck

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

@ibid78

Lemme get this straight: you take my tonsils, I get free ice cream
[dr] yup
what other parts of me will you take in exchange for ice cream

@earthfalcon33

PRANK: ask someone what’s on their shirt and when they look down give them a perm

@AsgardianRose

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.