Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
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Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.