Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
You Might Also Like
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Don鈥檛 let the British accent fool you. I鈥檓 not saying anything smart
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Urinal cake? Nah, that鈥檚 a pisscuit
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Omg 馃ぃ
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I鈥檓 over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy鈥檚 wine.
When this is over, I鈥檓 just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
My 11yo said if it wasn鈥檛 for him I wouldn鈥檛 have a twitter account, and I鈥檓 just glad he鈥檚 finally taking some responsibility.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield