@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

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@Parentpains

My ex wife is going through pms, I know this because my car is on fire.

@VanGobot

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

@notalogin

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

@dancefeverbarbi

I am so lazy that when I dropped the soap in the shower, I just sat down & took a bath. That was 2 hours ago. I’m still here.

@junejuly12

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

@bobvulfov

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

@juliussharpe

With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.

@AllanForsyth

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

@thatdutchperson

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid