Due to recent cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
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A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Don’t judge if you don’t know me. Unless you’re making my pizza & you say “This guy looks like he wants extra cheese” then please do.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
tinder is all about the long game
Picture me eating dinner.
Even more backup dancers.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-