My ex wife is going through pms, I know this because my car is on fire.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
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NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
“Now, tell me I’m pretty”
-me as a hypnotist
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I am so lazy that when I dropped the soap in the shower, I just sat down & took a bath. That was 2 hours ago. I’m still here.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid