@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

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@Peachyisk

Due to recent cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

@MandiAtRandom

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

@KKAlThani

Don’t judge if you don’t know me. Unless you’re making my pizza & you say “This guy looks like he wants extra cheese” then please do.

@ADHDeanASL

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

@iMikosnyc

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

@TheBigBatman

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

@Phook75

Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college

@decentbirthday

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-