Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

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Due to recent cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.


A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words


Don’t judge if you don’t know me. Unless you’re making my pizza & you say “This guy looks like he wants extra cheese” then please do.


Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”


Picture me eating dinner.
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.


Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.


Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college


[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-