Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
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I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.