Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Before & after 😅
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
The cashier just checked me out.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Holy moly
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here