INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
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Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Look at this
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed