INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
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When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.