I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
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“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Swedish for common sense.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.