Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
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beware of dog
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous