interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart



interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

You Might Also Like


Boss: that’s the third time you’ve been late this week. What do you think we should do about this?

Me: stop counting


The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.


you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*


I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..


one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries


*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.


The last time I wore a red shirt, I went to Target and laid off 8 people in the morning team huddle.


It really ruins the moment when you’re trying to storm out and you have to wait for the automatic doors to open.


The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.