interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
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ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.