Boss: that’s the third time you’ve been late this week. What do you think we should do about this?
Me: stop counting
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
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The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
The last time I wore a red shirt, I went to Target and laid off 8 people in the morning team huddle.
It really ruins the moment when you’re trying to storm out and you have to wait for the automatic doors to open.
I created you as mosquito food.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.