@ndiquote

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

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@DaddyJew

Boss: that’s the third time you’ve been late this week. What do you think we should do about this?

Me: stop counting

@SCBamaMan

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

@daemonic3

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

@gazg74

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

@OBiiieeee

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

@thejamietighe

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

@Neauxpe

The last time I wore a red shirt, I went to Target and laid off 8 people in the morning team huddle.

@erichwithach

It really ruins the moment when you’re trying to storm out and you have to wait for the automatic doors to open.

@LegoGodzilla

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.