Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
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[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Worst perfume name ever.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine