interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
You Might Also Like
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*