@MarfSalvador

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

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@Brampersandon_

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

@TheLateSh0w

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

@Cheeseboy22

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

@Mikecanrant

Whoever named them “urinal cakes” has grossly underestimated my love for cake.

On a side note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?

@MomofTeen

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

@FatherWithTwins

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

@phirm

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

@mishakey

My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.

@LeannaO

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”