My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw