interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
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got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
your honor my client chooses dare
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Every BBC series about the universe.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?