INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
You Might Also Like
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun