@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

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@FattMernandez

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

@tanialunreal

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

@weinerdog4life

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

@seamussaid

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

@thenoahkinsey

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

@ginnyhogan_

someone suggested riding a bike during the pandemic wasn’t safe, as if I wasn’t obviously planning on wearing a condom

@tweetsbyrocket

911: what’s your emergency

me: someone stole my watch

911: when did this happen

me: how am i supposed to know