One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
“He’s 24 months old.”
Your child is 2
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
someone suggested riding a bike during the pandemic wasn’t safe, as if I wasn’t obviously planning on wearing a condom
911: what’s your emergency
me: someone stole my watch
911: when did this happen
me: how am i supposed to know