Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
You Might Also Like
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it