INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

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Every grocery store I have been to in the past two weeks has been out of toilet paper, yet fully stocked with toilet bowl cleaner. Unrelated, divorce rates are spiking.


Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe


Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses


I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.


Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.


Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that


cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*


[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up


Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.


I can’t believe I used to talk to people.