INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

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interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged


To everyone I ever mocked for accidentally running your earbuds through the washer: I have some news that will please you.


I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”


I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club


and one last joke for the day. And I will be off driving back to Claremont for two shows. Have a beautiful day.


her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer


“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”


My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no