interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
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To everyone I ever mocked for accidentally running your earbuds through the washer: I have some news that will please you.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
and one last joke for the day. And I will be off driving back to Claremont for two shows. Have a beautiful day.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
My wife remains very racist in her approach to laundry.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no