INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
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What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston