Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
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How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap