[invention of kissing]
WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth
EVEN WEIRDER PERSON: Ok
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
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Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…