INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
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When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
This story is comedy gold 😂
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.