@sploosk

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

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@InternetHippo

[invention of kissing]
WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth
EVEN WEIRDER PERSON: Ok

@fro_vo

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

@Ideal_Victoria

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

@mela_shea

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

@comer310

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

@mostlysharks

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

@WhiteVictimacy

Food tastes best when seasoned with the tears of everyone behind you in line as you pay with pennies

@zachreinert03

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

@Smooheed

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…