INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
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Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.