Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
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I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
lost dog
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.