People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
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dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
selena gomez
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
The French word for sex is croissant.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester