God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
INTERVIEWER: so it says on your resume that your greatest strengths is correcting grammar and talking like a pirate?
INTERVIEWER (impressed): Holy Shit
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Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Me:  next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me:  next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
*goes back to sleep*
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
If cancer is ever cured it’ll probably be because of the people who liked all of the Facebook statuses that are against cancer.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.