interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

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You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.


I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.


Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?


Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.


Netflix is raising its monthly rates?! Man, whoever’s password I’m using has got to be pissed.


pirahna: my tooth is killing me


pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water


Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.


*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV


I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.


**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.



Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….