interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
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The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
spicy snake
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*