@AssOnHat

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

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@ConanOBrien

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

@Slims_Ramblings

I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.

@UncleDuke1969

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

@PyrBliss

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

@StephenAtHome

Netflix is raising its monthly rates?! Man, whoever’s password I’m using has got to be pissed.

@ClichedOut

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

@mack44_d

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

@JohnLyonTweets

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

@AndyAsAdjective

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

@bobblegagger

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….