Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
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[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
dream blunt rotation
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.