@MissLynette13

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

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@better_off_dad

Doctor: What seems to be th-

Me: -Medicinal marijuana!

Doc: I’m sorry?

Me: Let’s start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?

@snmrrw

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

@VisionBored1

My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying

@WilliamAder

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

@WilliamAder

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

@roxiqt

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

@mostly_cheese

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

@StellaGMaddox

My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

@Donna_McCoy

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms