Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
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Doctor: What seems to be th-
Me: -Medicinal marijuana!
Doc: I’m sorry?
Me: Let’s start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms