
My pet rock is grounded for throwing itself at my ex’s car window
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My pet rock is grounded for throwing itself at my ex’s car window
WE’RE HERE. WE’RE QUEER. YOU’RE THE MAILMAN. I’M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I’LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Around 70% of the earth is made up of water, and the other 30% is filled with news articles about George Zimmerman
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.