Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@adamjest

My pet rock is grounded for throwing itself at my ex’s car window

@EliTerry

WE’RE HERE. WE’RE QUEER. YOU’RE THE MAILMAN. I’M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I’LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

@opiaticus

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

@gfoster18

Around 70% of the earth is made up of water, and the other 30% is filled with news articles about George Zimmerman

@mattZillaaaa

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

@DanMentos

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

@djdarrellripley

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

@Just__J0

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.