@MissLynette13
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
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@better_off_dad
Doctor: What seems to be th-
Me: -Medicinal marijuana!
Doc: I’m sorry?
Me: Let’s start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?
@snmrrw
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
@VisionBored1
My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying
@WilliamAder
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
@WilliamAder
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
@roxiqt
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
@mostly_cheese
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
@StellaGMaddox
My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.
@Donna_McCoy
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms