Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
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*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I’m awake but I object,
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.