If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
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It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”