Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
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Things I know I cannot do but still try to:
2. Hit the high note
3. Move things with my mind
4. Eat ‘just one’
5. Be Cool
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I refrain from jogging in the morning because according to Law & Order: SVU there is a 95% chance you’ll find a dead body
It would make more sense to put a teacher in every gun shop.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I’LL NEVER ASK AGAIN!
-Liam Neeson pitching “Taken 3”
interviewer: how are you with excel?
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then