Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

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BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.


If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.


“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder


The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.


WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.


I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.


Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver’s eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.


“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.


Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.


Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.