@Ygrene

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

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@UncleDuke1969

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

@MouthOfSass

If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

@TheHyyyype

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

@kevinseccia

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

@mynameshank

WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.

@ReeseButCallMeV

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

@kumailn

Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver’s eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.

@QwertyJones3

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

@JohnLyonTweets

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

@Naked_Superman

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.