Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
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I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes