@Ygrene

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

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@OneFunnyMummy

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

@perrypotters

Things I know I cannot do but still try to:

1. Cartwheel
2. Hit the high note
3. Move things with my mind
4. Eat ‘just one’
5. Be Cool

@RobertDuffy91

I refrain from jogging in the morning because according to Law & Order: SVU there is a 95% chance you’ll find a dead body

@clarkekant

It would make more sense to put a teacher in every gun shop.

@trevso_electric

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

@sirmunchie

JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I’LL NEVER ASK AGAIN!

-Liam Neeson pitching “Taken 3”

@tweetsbyrocket

interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then